


the case of the forbidden babey

by mustardbastard



Series: Professor Elric Shenanigans [3]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Adult Edward Elric, Based on a True Story, Domestic, M/M, Married Characters, Married Life, Opossums, Professor Edward Elric, Roy's childhood trauma, RoyEd Month 2020, Well... Somewhat, roy is a city boy & cant handle wildlife lol, they have a cat, well the word is mentioned so im counting it lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24270253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mustardbastard/pseuds/mustardbastard
Summary: or the one in which the elric-mustangs/mustang-elrics have an unexpected visitor - one of the furry variety.written for royed month day 19 - prompt: domestic
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Series: Professor Elric Shenanigans [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1366978
Comments: 8
Kudos: 127
Collections: RoyEd month





	the case of the forbidden babey

**Author's Note:**

> this was uh......... Not smth I had planned to write for royed month but..... inspo struck the other night & I missed writing these dumb married dorks in this verse so here we are 😂 (does it count as filling a prompt if I mention the prompt word once? im counting it)  
> 'inspo struck', meaning my mom & I were trying to watch smth a few nights ago and I notice smth weird by my dad's shoes in front of the table in our living room, & I think it's a mouse at first but it turns around and NO IT"S A FUCKING BABY OPOSSUM LMAO. and ofc, our living room is FILLED with junk and it runs behind all of it and hides, so I have to try and move shit around to find it while my moms snipping at me to be quiet as not to wake my dad all while NOT being helpful with opossum wrangling and just..... it was a whole thing, y'all 😂😂BUT I HELD A FRICKIN BABY OPOSSUM AND DIDN"T DIE LOL (which, thank u AGAIN to people on discord for helping me with opossum food shit)
> 
> also thank u to junklex for answering my no context questions at ass-o-clock at night/morning abt what ed would name their cat & what the title should be! here is the context dude lol ('forbidden baby' credit actually goes to an irl friend who I was stress texting during said fiasco)

It’s late; quiet, in the way suburbs only get when the sun is down and the stars are out. A light breeze rustles the leaves on the trees outside, and filters its way through the screen doors, keeping the house cool on an otherwise warm spring night. The radio is on, music playing at a low volume; merely background noise, not meant to distract.

It’s calm, relaxing. It’s home.

Roy sits at one end of the couch, their cat curled up on his lap, purring as he absentmindedly strokes its dark smokey grey fur with one hand while he reads one of those trashy romance novels he refuses to admit he likes. Ed sits at the other end, grading his students’ assignments and muttering, irritated, to himself occasionally. It’s nearing the end of the semester, and while their knowledge may have improved, his students are getting lazy with their work as summer break approaches. His legs are stretched out on the rest of the couch between them, toes tucked under Roy’s thigh. When Ed’s grumbling becomes more agitated, Roy pauses in petting the cat to pat Ed’s leg comfortingly. 

It’s sickeningly domestic, in a way Ed once thought he’d never get to experience.

The peace, however, is shattered, when Roy looks up from his book and squints towards the coffee table in front of them. “What is that?” He shifts his glasses to the top of his head and makes a startled noise.

“What’s what?” Ed asks, not really paying attention.  _ Ugh, _ this essay is pissing him the hell off. The student has the theory down pat, but his application is all  _ wrong. _ It’s like he didn’t even test anything for himself. Has Ed taught him nothing?

“Ed, love, not to pull you away from what I’m sure are absolutely  _ riveting _ essays, but I think we may have a problem.”

“Would you just  _ tell _ me already?” Ed says, exasperated, lowering the stack of papers in his hand and tucking his pen in his ponytail.

Roy jerks his head towards the coffee table, and Ed follows his direction. “It seems we have a visitor.”

Ed gapes at what he sees. “Is that a fucking  _ opossum?” _ Hiding under the corner of the coffee table, between one of the table legs and Ed’s shoes, is a small creature with grey fur and a worm-like tail. At the sound of Ed’s voice, a white face pops up, making a small squeak.

“And a baby one at that,” Roy says wryly. There’s something in his voice that makes Ed tear his eyes away from the opossum and look at his husband. Roy’s as pale as a sheet, hand holding tightly onto Ed’s metal leg.

“Wait a second—are you  _ afraid _ of it?” Ed asks, incredulous. “It’s just a baby!”

“It’s a wild animal that snuck its way into our home. Sorry for not being more welcoming to vermin, said vermin’s age aside,” Roy says, voice tight.

Ed tries to not laugh, he really does, but he can’t help it. “Aww, you poor city slicker, scared of a little baby opossum.”

_ “Ed _ . Just—take care of it.  _ Please.” _

“Alright, alright,” says Ed through his laughter. He sets aside his papers, and pulls his legs forward to his chest, reaching forward to grab their cat, who meows in protest. He places the cat on the ground by the opossum. “C’mon Thot, now's your chance to put all that practice with the toy mice to use.” Thot—short for Thunderstorm, Harbinger of Terror—sniffs the marsupial a few times and turns her head, disinterested, to look at Ed, meowing, like  _ are you an idiot? _ She hops up on top of the table and ignores Ed’s protests, licking her paws clean. Ed sighs. “You’re an absolute failure of a cat, you know that, Thot? Your wildcat ancestors would be so disappointed in you.”

“He doesn’t mean that, dear,” Roy says to the cat, “but if  _ one _ of you could catch this thing— _ hrrk!” _ He cuts off, making an undignified noise and drawing his legs up onto the couch hurriedly. The opossum, in their distraction, had decided to make a break for it and ran under the couch.  _ “Ed,” _ he says, a touch despairingly.

“Calm down, will ya? Jeez, it’s not gonna hurt you. It’s probably more scared of you than you are of it.” Ed leaves the room for a moment, ignoring Roy’s response, grabbing a pair of leather gloves and a broom. A flashlight too, on second consideration. If it was a full grown opossum, Ed might be a little more cautious, because those things can be vicious and Ed doesn’t have a metal arm for it to try and bite anymore. But he and Al grew up having unexpected furry visitors in their house all the time, living in the sticks that’s Resembool. And their mom had had a strict  _ no killing _ policy, so catching them and throwing them back outside is something Ed’s used to, even if he hasn’t had to do it in years.

Armed and ready, Ed returns to the living room and gets down on the floor in front of the sofa, clicking on the flashlight so he can see under it.  _ There. _ The opossum is huddled in a ball towards the back of the couch and squeaks at the bright light. It scurries further back, hitting the wall. Ed turns the flashlight off and gets up, crawling onto and standing on the couch. He leans over the back and moves the broom between the wall and the couch, accidentally bonking Roy on the head with it. Roy makes an indignant noise and leans far away from Ed and the broom. Ed makes a sweeping motion with the broom, trying to scoot the opossum out into the open. He’s successful.

_ Too _ successful. 

The small animal runs out from under the couch, but doesn’t stop there. It darts towards the next dark hiding place it can find—behind, and most likely under, their bookcases. Their bookcases, which are laden with books and framed photos, and are further barricaded by stacks of books on the floor in front of them. 

Ed makes a noise of frustration, cursing. “Damnit.”

“Brilliant job,” Roy comments, drier than the entire eastern desert, “absolutely outstanding.”

He mimes swatting Roy with the broom. “Oh shaddup, I don’t see you helping.”

“I didn’t think you would appreciate me burning the house down after we had those renovations finished only last month,” Roy says, “but forgive me if I was wrong.”

Ed rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out at his husband. "I don't want you killing it!"

"Well then, I don't believe I could be of any use."

Ed's mouth twists down a bit and he squints at Roy; that's a darker comment than Roy's made about himself in a long time. He'll have to see if Riza knows what, if anything, is up. 

"Whatever. It's the waiting game from here on out."

"Don't want to mess up the  _ precious  _ order of your books?" Roy snarks. 

"No," Ed says, forcing himself to remain calm. The way he sorts and organizes his books makes  _ perfect _ sense, thank you very much, but he's not going to rise to the bait. "Moving things around would just scare it more and make it run off again. If we draw it out with food, I can grab it while it's distracted."

"Hm," is all Roy says in response. Yeesh, someone is touchy tonight.

Ed shakes his head and makes his way into the kitchen, rummaging around for something that might entice the opossum out of hiding. If he remembers right, they like berries, but they're currently out right now―which reminds Ed that one of them will probably need to stop for groceries soon. But for right now… Hmm. Maybe cat food will work. He grabs the open can of wet food out of the fridge and scoops some onto one of their cat plates. Thot tends to like her food warmed, so maybe the opossum will too. Ed microwaves it for only a few seconds, just enough to take the edge of the cold off, and takes it with him to the living room. 

He sets the plate of food down on the floor, in the area between the books and the coffee table. "Now, we wait." He sits back down on the couch and goes back to grading, keeping an eye on things. A few times he has to hold Thot back from going over to the plate of food, because "no, that's not for you, you demon, you have your own food in the kitchen." She meows at him, displeased, and hops back onto Roy's lap.

_ "This _ is your brilliant plan?" Roy asks after about thirty minutes with no sign of the opossum. “Just sitting around and waiting on the whims of an opossum?”

“Ohmygod, it’ll  _ work,” _ Ed insists. “Trust me, Al ‘n’ I had to deal with shit like this a bunch growing up. You just have to be patient. Or does the city boy think he knows better than someone from the damn country?”

“Oh, that’s rich, coming from you,” Roy scoffs, but Ed cuts off the rest of his retort, lunging forward and clapping a hand over Roy’s mouth.

_ “Shhh! Look!  _ There it is,” Ed whispers, trying to stay quiet. The opossum is sniffing the air, tentatively making its way towards the dish of food Ed left out for it. Both Ed and Roy stay very still, watching as it sniffs the food and takes a small bite. Apparently it likes it, going back for more. Slowly, Ed makes his way off the sofa, sliding the gloves back on, and moves towards the opossum. Of course, now is the time that Thot decides to be an actual fucking cat, jumping down from Roy and slinking towards the small animal.  _ “Thot! No!” _ he hisses. Damned cat. The opossum looks up and notices the incoming feline threat and starts, freezing in place. Ed dives forward, snatching the opossum with one hand and holding Thot down with the other. He can hear a low growl as both animals struggle under his grasp. He stands, letting Thot go, and she pads to the food dish, eating what’s left. The growling continues though, which means it must be…

Ed holds up the opossum, which still squirms in his hand, upside down. He stares it in the eyes. “Growl all you want; you’re a  _ baby. _ I’m holding you in one hand, dude. You don’t scare me. You’re actually kinda cute.” He turns to Roy, grinning. “You sure you don’t want a pet opossum? A friend for Thot?”

Roy shudders, responding with a vehement  _ “NO.  _ Get that  _ thing _ out of here.”

“Aww,” Ed pretends to pout. “But look how adorable it is!” He laughs at the look of horror and disgust on Roy’s face. “Alright, getting it out of here!” He grabs an empty plastic cup from nearby and drops the opossum into it, covering the opening with his hand. “Forbidden baby,” he whispers, cackling to himself as he heads into their backyard. “It’s probably a good thing Roy won’t let me keep you. You’d grow up and end up eating Thot and then I’d be pissed at you and the bastard would be pissed at me.” Ed stops near some trees towards the edge of their yard. “This should be far enough. Alright, this is goodbye, I guess. Go find your mom or terrify someone else’s husband.” He removes his hand from the top and gently flings the opossum into the grass. “See ya!”

When he gets back inside, Roy has his book open again but Ed can tell he’s not actually reading. He’s too tense, too still. And his eyes don’t fucking  _ move _ behind his glasses.

“You can relax; it’s gone,” Ed says, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms after tossing the gloves off.

Roy looks up at him, pretending to be unaffected. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m perfectly relaxed. But I’m glad to hear that that thing is finally out of here.”

“Uh-huh, sure,” Ed drawls. “That’s why your mouth is in a line flatter than your ass.”

He squawks, mouth dropping open in offense. “My ass is  _ not _ flat,” Roy hotly begins to say.

“Shhh, I know,” Ed says, walking his way over and placing a finger on Roy’s lips. “Your ass is  _ ‘round enough to be a transmutation circle’.”  _ Roy purses his lips under Ed’s finger. Ed pulls Roy’s book out of his hands and sets it aside. He straddles Roy’s lap, hands on his shoulders, and Roy automatically leans back to give Ed more room. “So you wanna tell me why you were being so bitchy earlier? Or do I need to ask Riza to tattle on you?”

Roy sighs and whatever fight was left in him bleeds out. “No need to call Hawkeye. It’s not work related.”

Ed raises an eyebrow. He’s waiting. Roy taught him how to play the long game; he can wait all night if he needs to.

Roy sighs again and looks away from him. “It’s… stupid―childish.”

He strokes a thumb against the crook of Roy’s neck, silently encouraging.

“We had a dog, for a few years, when I was growing up. Brandy―and before you ask,  _ yes, _ she was named after the drink. She used to sleep on my bed all the time, even though she wasn’t supposed to. And when I was about six or seven, I think, I woke up in the middle of the night and she was on my bed.”

Oh no. Ed has a feeling he knows where this is going, and he bites down on his bottom lip to keep from smiling.

“So I roll over and curl up next to her, like normal. But she felt… Off. Strange. I was still half-asleep, however, so I shrugged it off and tried to go back to sleep. But then Brandy barged in my room, growling and barking at my bed. I turned on the light and there were…” Roy trails off, grimacing. “Opossums. A mother and her children, clinging to her. One was on my head, actually, trying to sleep in my hair.”

Ed tries, and mostly fails, to muffle a snort. “What happened next?”

Roy shoots him a look that lets Ed know he didn’t miss the amusement. “I screamed, of course. Screamed bloody murder, from what I’ve been told. My aunt and a few of the girls came running up the stairs into my room, thinking there was a burglar or something. But no, just opossums where they don’t belong. My aunt wanted to shoot them all, but Lucy used to live on a farm, so she knew how to handle them and got them out. It traumatized me―I’ve hated the blasted things ever since.”

Ed quivers with barely held back laughter, and he’s sure Roy can feel it. “Oh man, I can’t even imagine what must’ve been the look on your  _ face. _ Little baby Mustang, scared out of his pants.”

“Yes, it was highly amusing,” Roy says, sarcastic. “Childhood trauma, scarring me for life. Absolutely peak comedy.”

Sorry, sorry,” Ed says, a few giggles escaping. He leans his forehead against Roy’s. “I’m not trying to laugh at you, really, but I just―” he cuts off before he can erupt into laughter. “Sorry,” he wheezes out after a few moments.

“No,” Roy sighs. “I’m the one who’s sorry.” His hands are on Ed’s hips, one thumb lazily rubbing circles on the skin above his pants. “I haven’t fully gotten over it and I took my fear out on you, even though you were trying to help. I apologize.”

“It’s no big deal,” Ed says, pressing a quick kiss to Roy’s lips. “You’d know if I was actually mad.” And  _ oh, _ Roy would. Ed doesn’t hide it too well when he’s truly pissed. But there’s something more important right now―what’s an embarrassing story of Ed’s to even the score? He thinks for a minute. “Have I ever told you about the time I tried to fight a racoon over some food?”

“No?” Roy says, intrigue coloring his voice.

  
Ed grins. “Well, spoiler alert: I lost.” He keeps going, recounting the tale, and making Roy laugh―the end goal of his plan. He may not have alchemy anymore, but he still has equivalent exchange. And sure,  _ all _ of life may not be about that guiding principle, but in this case, Ed wants to. Fair’s fair, right? Besides, he knows the  _ perfect _ way to get the embarrassment off their minds later.

**Author's Note:**

> not pictured in this: ed taking a selfie with the opossum and sending it to al and captioning it with some dumb shit
> 
> hope u enjoyed if u made it this far!! <3  
> im but a simple bean, seeking the sweet validation 😂🤦♀️


End file.
